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Joke of the week (Fresh off the internet) Content warning: Some of these jokes are a little blue,
politically incorrect, sexist, ageist, may discriminate against the
vertically challenged, weight gifted, animals, children & well, just
about anything and everyone! These are meant to be a bit of light relief and are in no
means a reflection of the personal views of anyone at our organisation. We
accept no responsibility for any offence. If you are likely to be offended, then do not read on. 22/01/2010 Bet you don’t know Harold Sclumberg As we get older we
sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make
a difference” in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the
remarkable achievements of “seniors”
who have found the courage to take on challenges
that would make many of us wither. Harold Sclumberg is such a person…
I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you old folks do now that you’re
retired’? Well. I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy
most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine. And I’m pretty damn good at it, too! 15/01/2010 Boobs vs. Willies
'Yes ---
dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'
21/12/2009 Tiger Woods Jokes It’s
nearly Christmas, but the Tiger Woods jokes are too hard to resist
Little Johnny Joke It is near
the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their
work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless
and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. Teacher:
"Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave
early today." Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?" 21/07/2009 “Seconds form death in a boating
disaster!!!” SECONDS before Death
(CHILLING).
GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.
SCROLL DOWN A BIT MORE…………… NEARLY
THERE KEEP GOING A BIT MORE!!!! ARE YOU READY??
15/07/2009 “Cowboy boots” An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved out to Longreach ... Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing
some on Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his
wife, "Notice Margaret looked him over. "Nope." Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and
walked back Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice
anything Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?" "Nope", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW
BOOTS!!!!" Without changing her expression,
Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, 17/06/2009 “Wonder Diet” This is
one of those “magical chain” letters I think
it really has a valid point. See if
you agree with me Vision without action is a daydream.
13/06/2009 “Media Release” Renault & Ford are working
together to build a small car. The new car will
be called the “Cli-taurus". Also standard is
fur on the bumpers. 02/06/2009 “Sauce bottle” At a media conference recently, Mr Rudd, our Australian Prime
Minister, showed his superior knowledge of Australian colloquialisms. In trying to establish his “Aussie credibility” and to be an average
bloke (the common man??) like the rest of us, he came up with an absolute
gem. “Fair squeeze of the sauce bottle” I have been an Aussie for over 40 years. I have NEVER heard that one. The saying is “fair SUCK of
the sauce bottle” I suppose a politician would not like to complain about something THEY do so well. Oh well, the same person saved us from technical recession by 0.3% (or
was it 0.4%, it is really important to get the number right!) All for a cool $54 BILLION That buys a lot of SAUCE And it really SUCKS too! Sorry, this is really the joke of the century – not the joke of the
week. Worst of all, it is NOT FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!! Some bright wag wrote, “Watch out before your chooks turn into emus
& kick down your dunny” Aussies are no drongos! Don’t tar us all with the same brush or you’ll
end up wearing feathers 27/05/2009 “Speed Racer” A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car
salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160 kph, enjoying the
wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the F3, enjoying
pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly
nutcase as he floored it to 180 kph, then 190, then 200kph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for
this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car
to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's
side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking
off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never
heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied,
Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman. 07/05/2009 “Flying High?” Fred had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane. Fred looks
very quizzically at the dog and asks the man, why the dog is allowed on the
plane?
'His name is
Smithy and he's the best there is. He tells
Smithy to 'search'. Smithy then
returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The Lab
sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his
seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent
says, ’That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of
his seat number for the police.' 'I like it!'
said Fred.
The agent
nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb!’ 15/04/2009 “Mile High?” A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for
New York. After taking his seat as he settled in & noticed a very
beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and
bingo - she took the seat right beside him. 'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?' She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac
convention in the United States.' He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him,
and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
'What's your business role at this convention?' 'Lecturer, she responded. ‘I use my experience to debunk
some of the popular myths about sexuality ..." 'Really,' he smiled, 'what myths are those?' 'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that
African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are
the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all
categories are the Irish.' Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said.
'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know
your name!' 'Tonto,' the man said.
'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.' 8/04/2009 “Old Golfer” Arthur
is 85 years old. He's
played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home
looking downcast.
30/03/2009 “Two Prawns” Far, far away in the tropical waters of the
Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one was called Justin
and the other called Christian.
27/03/0009 “The Emu” An Aussie truckie walks into an outback
cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their
orders.
The
truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with
a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.”
Print: Distractions Available from Artist: Murray Drew See links page 26/03/2009 “No Needles please” The
dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a
shot.
'No
way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient
said.
The
dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking
a pill. 'No
objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with
pills.' 11/03/2009 “Senior Dating” Dorothy:
'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with
him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my
answer.' 11/03/2009 “How to go camping with you mates” Mick
attended his 4 wheel drive clubs monthly meeting and had just told them he
couldn't make the upcoming annual Innamincka trip because his missus wouldn't
let him go. "I
didn't have to," was Mick's reply, "When I left the meeting last
week I went home disappointed and slumped down in my chair with a beer to
drown my sorrows. Suddenly the missus snuck up behind me and covered my
eyes and said, "Surprise". "When
I peeled her hands back there she was standing there in a beautiful see
through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to
the bed and you can do whatever you want." 15/11/2005 “Man of the House” The
husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He
stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing
a finger in her face, he said, "From
now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is
law! I
want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished eating my
meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then,
after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And
when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my
hair?" His
wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess". 02/11/2005 “Not tonight dear,” A
woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've
been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No
more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His
wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He
told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat “I
do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.” It
worked! The headaches are all gone." The
husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His
wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in
the bedroom these last few years. Why
don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following
his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his
wife and carries her into the bedroom. He
puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He
goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps into bed
and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His
wife says, "Boy that was wonderful!" The
husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He
goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than
the first time. The
wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her
husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With
that, he goes back in the bathroom. This
time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him
standing at the mirror and saying, "She's
not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!" His
funeral services will be held on Monday. 21/10/2005 “Lesson: Don’t ever lie to your
Mother” A
young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner. She
had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only
made her more curious. Reading
his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates.
"Well,
I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure," Said Peter, so he sat
down and wrote: 30/03/2005 “Royalty” The Qantas passenger cabin was being served by
an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood
as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came
swishing down the aisle in 1st Class and announced to the passengers. "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you
could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that
a well dressed, rather exotic looking middle eastern woman hadn't moved a
muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those
big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can
pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In
my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without
missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm
called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch." “Used Brains” Relatives gathered in the waiting room of a
hospital as their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and
somber. "I’m afraid I'm the bearer of bad
news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at
this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but
it is the only hope." "Insurance will cover the procedure, but
you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed
the news. After a great length of time, someone asked,
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for
a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding
eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity,
blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain
so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence
and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female
brains, because they've actually been used." 03/03/2005 “Go To Work
Naked!” 11 Reasons to go to Work Naked 1.
Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by
8:00!" 2.
Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your
tan. 3.
Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources. 4.
"I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 5.
To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. 6.
You want to see if it's like the dream. 7.
So that-with a little help from Muzak-you can add "Exotic
Dancer" to your exaggerated resume. 8.
People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
9.
Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. 10.
Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. 11.
No one ever steals your chair.
“Mating Pigs” A farmer had five female pigs and, as times
were tough, he had determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair he met another farmer who
owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the
pigs and split everything 50/50. Now the farmers lived sixty miles away from
one another, so they each agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in
which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female
pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (which
was the only vehicle they had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other
farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in
the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, but if they're
rolling in the mud, then they're not." The next morning they were rolling in the mud,
so he hosed them off, called the other farmer, loaded them again into the
family station wagon and proceeded to try again. The following morning, in the mud again! And
the next morning, MUD again! This continued all week until the farmer was
so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please
look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field
grazing." The wife looked out the window and then yelled
back, "Neither, they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking
the horn." “Martian Humor” The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen
land on Mars (after they have accumulated enough frequent flier miles).
Here, they meet a Martian couple and
are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market,
laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject
of sex. "Just how do you two do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you
do." the Martian responds. A discussion ensues and finally the couples
decide to swap for the night and experience one another’s styles! Maureen and the male Martian go off to
a bedroom where the male strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie . .
. about half an inch long and a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to
work," says Maureen! "Why?" he asks, "What's
the matter?" "Well," she replies,
"It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and
proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his
unit grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says,
"that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow." "No problem," he says, and
starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his unit grows wider
and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman! "Wow!" she exclaims, as they
fell into bed and made very mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their
normal partners and go on their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks,
"Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says
Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful! How about you?" "It was horrible," he
replies, "all I got was a headache . . . she kept slapping my forehead
and pulling my ears!" 22/09/2004 “John Howard – Yeah Yeah” Click
on this link. You
do the rest http://www.advancedhair.com.au/2004/johnny.html
03/05/2004 “Stella Awards” One to start your week off.... THE 2003 STELLA
AWARDS It's once again time to review
the winners of the annual Stella Awards. The Stellas are named after 81
year old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued
McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous
successful lawsuits in the United States. We had a shot at an obvious
winner in the most recent lawsuit implicating McDonald's, where teens alleged
that eating at McDonald's has made them fat. Somehow justice was served when
the suit was thrown out. Here are the ones which weren't
- THIS YEAR'S AWARDS GO TO: 5th place (Tied). Kathleen Robertson of Austin,
Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking
her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store.
The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict,
considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms. Robertson's Son. 5th place (Tied). 19 year old Carl Truman of Los
Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand
with a Honda Accord. 5th place (Tied). Terrence Dickson of Bristol,
Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the
garage. 4th place. Jerry Williams of Little Rock,
Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on
the buttocks by his next door neighbour’s Beagle dog. The Beagle was on
a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought
because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked at the time
as Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard, was shooting
it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 3rd place. A Philadelphia restaurant was
ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she
slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on
the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds
earlier, during an argument. 2nd place. Kara Walton of Claymont,
Delaware sued the owner of a Night Club in a neighbouring city when she fell
from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two of her front teeth.
This occurred whilst Ms. Walton
was trying to sneak in the window of the Ladies Room to avoid paying the $3.50
cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. 1st Place. This year's runaway winner was
Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand
new Winnebago Motorhome. On his trip home from an OU football game, having
driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left
the driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the RV left the
freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for
not advising him in the owner's manual that he could not actually do
this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000
plus a new Winnebago Motor home. The company actually changed their manuals
on the basis of this suit just in case there were any other complete morons
buying their recreational vehicles. God Bless America, the only
country in the world where morons and their unethical lawyers can be
compensated for stupidity from our inflated insurance premiums. 02/12/2003 “Lifesavers” A college professor was doing a study testing the senses
of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one
at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say: Red................cherry," Yellow.............lemon," Green.................lime," Orange...........orange." Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children
could identify the taste. Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue; it's
what your mother may call your father at times." One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver
out and yelled: Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!" 10/07/2003 “Dear Ricky” An SAS soldier stationed overseas recently received a
letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows: I can no longer continue our relationship. The
distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since
you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all
the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his mates. There were 57 photos in that envelope... along with this note:
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest
back to me. |
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